Funny imperiumfoedus to Tanner  Just a sample of some kinds of emails I get.
From: John Tanner []
Sent: Monday, March 03, 2008 11:01 PM
Subject: faulty vision correction

 i am saddened to inform you mr. leland that the results of your eye surgery are dismal in the least.  although you see kolor with the klarity of a klansman, your charred rods are incapable of exposing your own niggardly soul.  in your service, i am providing you an eye test 



D    T    N.    L

L    T    H   E   S   K   I    U

O  O   K   S   O   N   T   H   E   S  O

corrective lens are in order i presume.  please send $17 of your pilfered funds to one of your blind followers and apply some brown mud to your eyes so that you may be healed just as those of old who could only see beyond the mark.  your plywood fortresses will offer inadequate shelter from the nuclear and eternal flames that are to come.  can't you see?

In Response to Mr. Tanner's email:

Faulty Vision Correction   (Yes we understand: God looks on the soul not the skin)
Dear Mr. Tanner, (or is it Dr. Tanner?) Mr. Leland has shared with me your presumptuous results of his alleged bad eye sight.  I am anxious to inform you of several flaws in your prognosis, which disqualify you from making such a prophasis.  Please do not feel alone in your wayward practice of prescription, many a quack before you has submitted similar nefarious reports.  It is of utmost importance that this be communicated to you, and so without further ado:  It has been recently discovered that many if not all who became known as physicians, healers and the like, or claim to be, or those who possessed the art of prescribing the wonderful tapestry of remedial cures, etc, had a special condition of Antimetathesis of the body, although some could not perceive this condition, others all to easily observed it in most tense circumstances. It would seem that this condition may be inherent in yourself.  Now we would not make claim to such things with out of course presenting to you some proof on the subject:

Please scroll down---









Scientists have unearthed the 4000 year old
 remains of one of the first

It has appropriately been renamed in these modern times to:

Cranial Rectal Inversion

We of course could share a way for you to overcome this condition, but

We believe in allowing others the freedom to choose their own way

According to the principle of Agency.

We Wish You the Best,  A Loyal friend of Leland, and Seeker of Truth. 

The Prophet Joseph Smith spoke about the skills of doctors and lawyers when he said: "All ye doctors who are fools, not well read, and do not understand the human constitution, stop your practice. And all ye lawyers who have no business, only as you hatch it up, would to God you would go to work or run away! (October 15, 1843.)
Teachings Of The Prophet Joseph Smith page 329 óDocumentary History of the Church 6:56-59.
(Joseph Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, selected and arranged by Joseph Fielding Smith [Salt Lake City:   1976   We highly recommend this book.

                       Remember what Joseph Smith said about the lawyers!

Thursday, March 06, 2008 1:39 PM 
Fwd: When Grandma Goes To Court

To: Leland Freeborn i.e.

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.  I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.


To be implanted in Communist foreheads by
God fearing, hard working, freedom lovers.
Will allow the implanted person to speak to God instantly.

Comes in various sizes:
       Implanted person may not get to choose their personal size. 
        May contain some additional information or precious metals:

     May or may not be painless. Some bleeding and or swelling
         may occur at injection site.  Can be tracked by most metal detectors.

5 Chips for real Smart People
        Enjoy your security, others earned it for you.


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University  
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.   
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stoo
d frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. 

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly. 
Probably wasn't the same elephant. 


This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.